#2 — tick, tick... boom! reflected my soul back to me in a painful, heart wrenching way
spoilers ahead for tick, tick... boom! (2021)
at first, i didn't really care for the characters of tick, tick... boom!. in the beginning, for about the first 30 minutes, i wasn't really watching the film. i didn't really "get" it when, during the house party, jonathan jumps into a song and everyone goes along with it. i didn't really understand what the choreography of susan's dance piece was trying to say. i didn't understand michael's flamboyant caressing of a table during the song about the new apartment & moving up in the world.
but something i do understand is the desperate need for inspiration and the pressure to create something, anything. with the popularisation of social media opening the world to a slew of gifted young artists, it feels like the age where you're expected to be a skilled craftsman is getting younger and younger. the older i get, the more it feels like i'm running of time, and i'm not even 17 yet for christ sake. yet all around me i see other 15, 16, 17 yr olds who are infinitely more talented than i am, who can create things so much greater than what i can.
and so with that in mind, i suppose it makes sense that the scene that first pulls me into this movie is when jonathan (andrew garfield) is confronted by his producer(?), ira (jonathan marc sherman). when jonathan talks about how he created a song about sugar, but ira points out he has yet to create a song of greater importance - the key song of his second act - it reminds me of my own procrastination and lack of inspiration.
i really enjoyed the song johnny can't decide, as well as the filmography that accompanies this song. here, we see the first signs of jonathan's fraying relationship with michael (robin de jesus) as he becomes more and more obsessed and absorbed in his work, prioritising it over everything else. the way michael is portrayed as lucky and that he doesn't understand why jon is holding onto what he believes is true in the song, yet on the screen his figure blurs into something unfamiliar. it shows how disconnected jon has become from michael as both these things are proven wrong later in the film. similarly for jon's relationship with susan (alexandra shipp) - they are physically close, yet they remain unspeaking. their lack of communication eventually drives them apart and i think it is foreshadowed in this segment wonderfully.
in the very next scene, when jon is confronted with the reality of his friend freddy (ben levi ross) being hospitalised - i think this scene is amazing at portraying the absolutely overwhelming feeling of complete and utter overstimulation. and to cope with this, jon writes a melodic and orchestral song - a complete contrast to the loud, chaotic, nauseating pressure of the diner - to vent his frustrations. i thought that was neat.
the first scene where i really began to feel for these characters, i think, was when susan turned up at rehearsals to ask jon about her answer to the job offer. and later, when they argue in the apartment, where jon and susan both look absolutely exhausted for completely different reasons. and its interspersed with the performance where jon and karessa (vanessa hudgens) sing at one another with the forced smiles as they sing about how unhappy they are, increasingly becoming more agitated until they're singing above one another and their facial expressions become more and more forced and insane-looking. i thought that scene was done wonderfully and it really demonstrated the tension in their relationship as well as how distant they've become due to jon's lack of attention to anything other than his play.
and then the scene in the focus group where jon is being rewarded and praised for his creativity and at first he's enjoying himself, only to be hit with the crushing reality that they want to use his creativity to advertise a product that is *remarkably **dangerous***, and which nobody seems to have a problem with except him. that scene hit me. it was like watching your dreams be crushed in real time with the realisation of how capitalism will take even a fundamental part of you - your creativity - and turn it into something vile and disgusting. and when michael says that, yes, he is concerned with money, and he is doing advertising for money because he can't have a happy life due to the oppressive world he lives in so he uses money to try to make his life at least bearable and comfortable because what else is there for him to do?
when he said the line "I can't get married. I can't have kids. Half of our friends are dying and the other half are scared to death they are next.", that's when i started crying. because i am queer and trans, and i live in a country that would never accept me as i am, and i have that exact fear of death that michael - who is played spectacularly by robin de jesus, by the way - mentions.
i have never understood people who work in jobs they aren't passionate about until i watched this scene with michael, and suddenly it made a bit more sense to me. art is not a noble pursuit. sometimes, all you can do is go along with the system because you are only one person and having comfort and stability is so much easier than the insurmountable task of dismantling an oppressive system greater than you could ever know or be. to create art may be honest, but in most cases, it doesn't pay the bills. in fact, it can and will drain you, because art costs money. and you need money to survive.
that is a message that struck me right to my core.
and so it was so much more heart breaking when michael finally tells jon he's HIV-positive, and that he'd been trying to tell jon for so long but jon never had a moment to sit down and listen. in pouring his soul into his art, jon poured away the parts of him that cared about the people around him. he forgot about his most ardent supporters and cast them aside until it was too late. i thought jon's requiem to michael was beautiful. gut wrenching, but beautiful.
i was surprised when rosa told jon, bluntly, to start working on his next project because superbia was too "arty". it was a taste of reality: not all art will be commercially viable, no matter how intricately crafted, honest or poignant it may be.
but when susan showed up at jon's birthday party and handed him the workbook he had gazed longingly at earlier in the film, it conveyed a succinct message: even if your art doesn't reach the audience you wanted it to reach, there is always new art to be made. you shouldn't ever give up your dream regardless of the setbacks you face. and more importantly, susan will always support jon, even though they have been led down separate paths.
this film hurt me in ways i didn't expect it to. it was a wonderful film, despite the slow start, and i enjoyed it.
4.5/5 stars.